This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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