we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
