Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
