i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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