at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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