Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
