be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize