yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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