There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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