Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
