You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize