Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
