i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
