please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
