Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
