The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
