I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
