I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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