Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
