Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
