my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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