I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
