dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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