i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
