I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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