um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
