I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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