Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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