I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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