dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
