Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
