I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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