WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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