ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
