oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
