someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize