she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
