my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
