Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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