I'm so fucking centered right now
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
