he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
