I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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