if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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