My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
