Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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