Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize