sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
