not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
