You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
