I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
