You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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