And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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