Tell her she can't have a vagina
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
