just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
