i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
