Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
