i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
