So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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