i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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