I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
