a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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