she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
